A Perfect Waldorf Christmas
by Lemonlattes
Summary: 'A Blair Waldorf Christmas is perfection' - What happens when the New York Times decides to follow Blair during the holiday season? Fluff/Humour/Family involving Chuck, Blair and Henry.


**A/N Hello everyone. I was feeling Christmassy and my work load died down so I decided to write this oneshot. I hope you all have a great Christmas! I could have written something idyllic and uber fluffy which I have to an extent...but from experience Christmas is all about dysfunction! Enjoy! x **

Mrs Waldorf Bass glided down up and down the aisles of FAO Schwarz while an exhausted employee scurried along after her attempting to balance the mountain of purchases in his arms; luckily most of them were of the stuffed animal variety. "Ducks!" she squealed, snatching the bath time toys off the shelf, she threw the box behind her in expectation of the employee catching it. "My son will love the ducks; I haven't taken him to the duck pond yet, he's only 5 months old you see and I don't want him around those snotty nosed toddlers and…No scratch that."

The smartly dressed women next to her quickly scribbled away the last line on her notepad.

"I don't want to take him out to the park when _it's so cold outside_. It's my duty as a mother." she said in a sickeningly sweet voice. "Where to next?" she clapped her hands together as they made their way to the exit.

"Madam!" the flustered employee called out after them, "Madam don't you want to pay for this?"

Blair stopped in her tracks and turned around, "Tell your manager it's under the name Charles Bass. I expect them delivered to my home tonight."

"But we don't do delivery…" he gulped as Blair's eyes narrowed.

"Oh you do now." she tossed her Marc Jacobs over her shoulder and left the store with the journalist in toe. They shivered through the brief walk across the sidewalk before entering the awaiting heated limo.

"Thank you much for agreeing to do this story with us Blair. On behalf of the New York Times, we cannot wait to find out how Blair Waldorf Bass spends the holiday season."

"Well," Blair ran a hand through her curls and re-applied her lipstick, "It is my pleasure. A Blair Waldorf Christmas is perfection. This is my way of helping others aspire to do to the same. Now we've done tree decorating, my work at the atelier, shopping for gifts. What else is there to do?"

"The material so far has been fantastic. But we want to know more about the real Blair Waldorf, her husband, her family and friends. What we would really love to do are some interviews with your relatives and Chuck. Perhaps a photo op of you and your family…"

"We've been over this Amanda." Blair raised her hand silencing the woman.

"It's Sarah."

"Apologies Cynthia. As much as I would love to flaunt my amazing husband and adorable baby to every lesser being in the world my other half will not agree to it. I won't undermine him on this matter, _we respect each other and that is why we have such a healthy marriage_." she smiled sweetly again prompting the journalist to jot down the latest line. They pulled up to the Bass townhouse; the pair proceeded inside and settled in the living room. The room was immaculately decorated with garlands, poinsettias everywhere, twinkling lights, a heavily adorned tree (one of many in their home) and four stockings hung above the fireplace (one for Monkey). They continued to discuss Blair's plans for the holiday season including recipes, the best stores and nights out at many of the UES society events (including the Bass Industries Holiday Gala).

Mr Bass sauntered into the room and leaned against the doorway. He began to observe his wife being interviewed. She finally glanced up to notice him, "Chuck. What are you doing here? I didn't expect you to be home for another three hours."

"We wrapped things up early, apparently norovirus is making its way through my employees, today Frank Victor vomited mid-conference call. Thankfully having Henry for the past 5 months has made me immune to putrid smells." He casually recalled as Blair scrunched her nose.

"Mr Bass!" Sarah exclaimed enthusiastically, she got up to shake his hand which Chuck unwillingly returned, "We are currently running a story on your lovely wife and I would love for you to take part in an interview or photo-op about what you get up to during the holiday season." She held her awkwardly beaming smile in anticipation of Chuck's response.

"Cindy. Could you give us a second alone?" Blair said as her husband's jaw twitched in annoyance.

"Sure," the young journalist could sense the tension in the room and headed out into the hallway, "I have to make a call anyway."

Chuck's reluctance to be involved in Blair's article had finally started to grate on Blair. She couldn't understand why he refused to open up their home or engage in any sort of photo shoot or include their child.

"I thought the house was off limits Blair," Chuck sighed running his hand through his hair, "I don't think we should have journalists in our home. This is our space for our family."

"Chuck. We were just talking about food and shopping. Nothing serious. I haven't given her any details on our marriage or our son. Do you really think I would do that without your permission?" she was slightly hurt by his mistrust.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, "Don't take it personally Blair. I don't mean it like that. It's just…it wasn't that long ago that these people were dragging our names in the mud. These are the same people who ran stories branding us murderers. You can't blame me for not trusting them with knowledge about our life and the most important thing: Henry."

She kissed him and the pair remained in a lock-lipped embrace for several minutes, "We only have to reveal what we want Chuck. This is our chance to show the world what a wonderful father and husband you are," she kissed him again, "Please do this for me. This will be great for us. Just one interview and one photo." She nuzzled herself into his neck. "And once this is done we can celebrate our first Christmas with you, me and Henry."

"Okay," he said as a huge smile stretched across her face, "If it makes you happy."

"I love you!" she kissed him again but this time more passionately, plunging her tongue in, "I'll make it up to you." He smirked at what his sensational wife was alluding to he was sure it involved an elf costume, stockings and something with bells attached.

-x-

Chuck and Blair sat on their couch, with a glass of scotch and a cup of vanilla cream tea on the coffee table and a happy Henry bouncing on Blair's lap.

"And lastly Mr Bass, what do you want for Christmas? What to buy the man who has everything?" Sarah asked the cheesy question over her dictaphone.

"I just want a healthy and content family. As long as Blair and Henry have everything they want then I've done my job," he responded, Henry gurgled which caused his father to chuckle and tickle him under the chin, "And perhaps for Henry to sleep without interrupting us through the night."

"Well that concludes our interview. Now all that's left is the picture."

The family shuffled around furniture and re-arranged the gifts underneath the tree. They tried different positions eventually opting to have Chuck seated on armchair with Henry in his arms and Blair perched upon its back, her legs down one side. Just as the photographer was about to take the picture Henry began to wail at the top of his lungs.

"Shh Henry," Chuck lifted his son and held him against his chest, "Don't cry Daddy's here." But his cries persisted with prompted Chuck to hand his son to his mother. Blair stood up and began to lightly bounce up and down rubbing Henrys back.

For Sarah and the photographer, who had no experience working with babies, this was not the situation they had envisaged. "Perhaps we could give him a pacifier or something?" she shouted over Henrys sobbing. Blair scowled at her; nobody told her how to look after her son.

Blair continued to bob up and down as her sons cries finally subsided, she kissed his cheek and wiped his tear stained face. "Silly baby," she cooed blowing a raspberry on his neck to causing the littlest Bass to have a hysterical giggling fit, "Oh you've changed your tune. "They sat back down in their original positions hoping this time Henry would be far more cooperative. The photographer bent down to the camera and the Basses smiled in anticipation.

"Umm Mrs Bass," Sarah interrupted.

"Ugh," Blair groaned, "What is it now Samantha?"

"Your dress is…well on your dress…" Sarah began to make gestures drawing invisible circles around her own nipples.

Blair looked down at her breasts and shrieked in horror. It seemed all that bouncing with Henry had caused her to lactate all over her Dior dress which now had two very noticeable dark circles on the fabric over her boobs! She smacked Chuck hard across the back of the head as he desperately tried to suppress his laughter.

"Just let me get changed. I'll be two minutes."

One dress change later and the Basses were back to being photo-ready. They all smiled apart from Henry who was dribbling over his clothes as he tried to jab a candy cane into his mouth.

The photographer held his finger over the camera button "3-2-1…"

_*Buuzzzzz buzzzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*_

A pro-longed buzzing noise broke out and puzzled faces searched to find the source of the new interruption; it appeared to be coming from beneath the tree. There was a loud clatter as a delicately wrapped gift fell from another onto the wooden floor, it then proceeded to move across the hardwood, buzzing a long like a fairground bumper car before being stopped at Sarah's feet.

Chuck and Blair's eyes widened in realisation. Sarah picked up the gift and read the tag 'To my insatiable wife may this bring you as much pleasure as you bring me. I look forward to it. All my love Chuck.' She instantly dropped it.

-x-

Blair placed Henry down in his cot before turning to her husband who still had a smirk plastered across his face, "Well that's just brilliant now I'm going to look like 'Blair Waldorf: The lactating nympho' kill me now."

"They wanted to see the real Blair Waldorf. The real Blair Waldorf doesn't just make pies and decorate her home, she gets down and dirty with Chuck on the kitchen counter preferably dressed in an elf costume." he drawled.

"No we are going to fix this Chuck," she slid out of his reach and headed for their bathroom closing the door.

"Can we at least have sex first," Chuck followed behind, "We can make use of your gift. Consider it an early Christmas present."

He grumbled as she emerged from the bathroom in thermal pyjamas fully buttoned up to the top. "No not tonight. Thanks to your gift!" she got into bed and pulled the covers up to her neck, "Just to let you know I'll be dressed like a pilgrim every night unless you find a way to fix the embarrassment you caused."

He slithered in with her, "Embarrassment I caused? I think I remember you specifically asking for it two months in advance?" he rolled on top of her causing her to turn her head away from him. "Tell you what; we invite Pamela and her photographer friend to the Bass Holiday Gala tomorrow night. It will be full of enough class to erase any memory of your '_nymphomaniac_' tendencies. And you can wear a gown that would make Grace Kelly weep."

She turned her head back to face him and pouted, "Do you think that will work?"

"I'm sure dearest."

"Chuck."

"Yes my love."

"Go and fetch my gift." She bit her lip as her husband practically leapt off the bed to retrieve it.

-x-

The night of the Bass Industries Holiday Gala came and as promised Chuck invited the New York Times to cover the Basses at the event. This was the first society event Chuck and Blair had attended after having Henry since the couple struggled with the idea of leaving their new addition at home in the capable hands of Dorota. Honestly if Chuck had it is way, he would not have attended the evening but as the face of Bass he was felt obligated to do so. They were joined by their close family and friends, Serena, Nate, Eleanor and Cyrus unfortunately Dan had been uninvited following yet another break up with Serena. This led to a concoction of an anxiety-ridden Blair and a very depressed Serena dressed in the finest of couture.

"Three, two, one. Smile," the photographer's camera brightly flashed as he took a snap of Blair and her sister-in-law. He examined the picture that emerged on the screen and sighed, "Ladies this is going in the New York Times. You need to look dazzling." Blair pursed her lips and Serena's lip quivered her eyes glistening with tears. "Ok let's take five." With that Serena erupted into a blubbering wreck and bolted to the nearest bathroom whilst Blair frantically searched through her clutch bag for her phone.

"I can't find it," she cried as her husband came to her side, his hand resting on the small of her back, "Chuck I need to call home. I need to know how he is!"

"Blair. He's fine. You're being overly paranoid. Dorota is more than capable of looking after our child we can check in with them in an hour," he kissed her hand in an attempt to soothe her.

"You have my phone don't you? Give me my phone," she snatched her hand away swiftly, "I mean it hand it over."

"Blair." He asserted, "We'll call in an hour."

"Give me the damn phone Bass!" she screeched, consequently the sound of light chatter and champagne flutes clinking ground to an abrupt halt. Sarah who was standing behind her began to scribble a few words on her pad, "No! You do not write that. Cross it out! Get back here! Savannah come back…"

Meanwhile an increasingly frustrated Chuck massaged his temples and downed another glass of scotch.

-X-

Each table in the Palace ballroom was adorned with giant tree-like centre pieces, complete with white roses and glowing lanterns hung off every branch. The group sat around the table preparing for the main course to be served minus Blair and Serena who appeared to be missing. Chuck signalled over for assistance from a smartly dressed gentleman and subtly enquired into their whereabouts.

"They've gone to the bar Mr Bass," he whispered, "Been there for almost two hours. I overheard them saying something about 'drowning their sorrows'…and 'loosening up'?"

"Oh great," Chuck turned to his best friend, "It seems Serena and my wife are re-enacting Spring Break '07. They've been drinking for two hours which by my estimation means Serena will still be going strong and Blair will likely be paraplegic within the next 15 minutes."

"Should we intervene?" Nate questioned having escorted his fair share of drunk 'Blerena's' out of places.

"No Nathaniel, we have to be tactical, I'm about to give my speech and I can't have those two shouting 'take your shirt off' midway through!" Chuck hissed.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Bass," the speaker announced prompting a rapturous applause. Chuck arose to stand at the podium.

"Thank you for being here today, members of the board, employee's it is a pleasure to be in your company this holiday season. My wife and I would like to wish you a happy Christmas and prosperous new year, along with our son Henry who chose not to be here tonight in favour of snuggling with his stuffed rabbit whilst listening to the Lion King soundtrack," the crowd laughed softly, everybody loves babies. "Tonight we won't talk about business…we…" he was distracted by the vision of Blair and Serena attempting to make an inconspicuous entrance into the ball room.

Serena was wearing a man's black bow tie around her neck whilst Blair had slotted a gingerbread man in her dress between her boobs. They giggled under their breath as they stumbled through the tables trying to find their seat.

"Woo take your shirt off!" Serena loudly whispered unaware that everyone could hear.

Chuck raised his voice, "We will celebrate all that Bass Industries has achieved this year through your hard work and dedication. I'm sure you've heard enough from me now so I'll let you enjoy the night. Thank you," the guests applauded and Chuck made his way back to the table.

"Chuck!" Blair squealed, "My love you're back!" she yanked him into an embrace.

"Have you been drinking Waldorf?" he murmured.

"No I had eggnog," she smiled innocently before whispering in her gingerbread mans 'ear.'

"Just eggnog," he raised his eyebrows.

"And some wines," she giggled, "You told me I was being paranoid. So I de-stressed!" she exclaimed clapping her hands above her head. She bit off the gingerbread man's head before slotting it back in her dress. Serena on the other hand was at work trying to attach the bow tie to Nate's hair whilst he tried to slap her mischievous hands away.

"Can someone explain to me what is going on?" Eleanor reprimanded her son-in-law, "Did they take a field trip to a brewery?"

"Oh Eleanor they're just overcome with the holiday spirit everyone has a few drinks here and there!" Cyrus reasoned.

"My daughter does not at a black tie event, she's getting ginger bread crumbs all over her couture that we designed together," Eleanor cried.

"Fuck the couture," Blair bit back. The whole table gasped, even Serena stopped harassing Nate's head. Blair Waldorf Bass did not use curse words, only with her husband in the height of passion or talking dirty, but it was not a part of her every day repertoire.

"Blair Cornelia!" Eleanor hissed, "We are at a society event. Be a lady."

"I am a lady Mother. A grown woman. Chuck makes sure of that when he fu.."

"And that is enough from you for now," Chuck interjected shoving the remains of her gingerbread friend back in her mouth which she gratefully accepted.

The dinner went on with a few minor hiccups that mostly involved Blair missing her mouth when trying to eat or Blair and Serena breaking out into moments of hysterical laughter. As they finished their dessert and the band began to play, Sarah approached their table.

"Mrs Waldorf Bass I was wondering if we could continue our interview somewhere more quiet."

"Sure," Blair glanced round to make sure her husband wasn't looking. He was distracted talking to one of his business associates. "Can I bring my friend Serena van der Woodsen with me," she drew out every syllable of her name.

"Yes Miss van der Woodsen can join us," a bemused Sarah replied.

"Then let us go Mindy!" she dragged the writers arm and Serena's with the other to the lounge.

-x-

"Yes holiday traditions are _so_ important Molly," Blair slurred, she sat slumped on a chair whilst Serena had sprawled herself over the only couch.

"So important," Serena mumbled echoing her every word.

"Like on Christmas eve we all open one present," Blair raised her index finger to elaborate, "This year will be even better because of my Henry," her voice cracked at her sons name and messy drunken tears began to fall down her face which she wiped away using her dress.

Sarah cleared her throat. This was becoming increasingly awkward for her but nonetheless a good story. She had initially hoped for a heart-warming story following New York's favourite ice-maiden as she thawed but the reality was so much more satisfying. The flicked through the pages of her filled notepad re-reading the circled phrases: 'lactating, nymphomaniac, alcoholic?'

"But the best thing about Christmas Eve though…is _the sex_," Blair whispered giving a heavily exaggerated knowing nod, "Chuck and I do it every year in front of the tree. There's food involved chocolate, caramel and cream. And last year well…Serena do you want to tell her?"

Serena struggled to lift her head from the mound of cushions she lay face down on, "She said she had the longest…most intense…orgasm of her life," Serena could barely string the sentence together before slamming her head down again.

"The longest. Most intense. Ever." Blair proclaimed as if she had dropped a bombshell.

"Blair," Chucks voice interrupted the ladies, "I think we're done here." Chuck snatched the notepad out of Sarah's hands and inspected the content, "If you think I'm letting you run this story on my wife then you're crazy."

"Give that back it is property of the New York Times," she yelled.

"And I don't think they'll be too happy to hear their major advertisers have been pulled," Chuck replied sliding the notepad into his jacket pocket, "I do believe you're done here. You can see yourself out."

Sarah's face turned a shade of pink as she grabbed her purse and made a swift exit.

"Bye Carolina!" Blair called out.

-x-

Two hours later the effects of alcohol had finally worn off Blair. They rode home side by side in their limo with the twinkling lights of Park Avenue rolling past their window during the lightest of snow flurries. She snuggled into her husband's embrace as he stroked her gently.

"The 'holiday season with Blair Waldorf' was a total disaster," she grumbled, "Thank God you got them to pull the story."

"Consider it a Christmas miracle," he kissed her forehead.

"I felt like I was trying so hard for everything to be perfect you know. I wanted to show the doubters what a solid unit we are and make things extra special for Henry."

"Blair. We are solid and it's no one else's business what we do. Henry will love his day, I saw the present's you bought him, "he nudged her softly, and "He's a baby. All he wants to do is spend time with his Mother. "

As Christmas morning came that year the Basses awoke to the glorious sound of their infant son wailing at the top of his tiny lungs. Together they spent their first Christmas as a family pyjama-clad in bed sharing gifts, stories, kisses and cuddles. Although Henry grew to love his presents the baby was far more infatuated with the wrapping paper which he immediately scrunched in his fists and shook furiously to his heart's content. It was moments like these that they realised how sacred their family was and how it was imperative that no one could enter this space. This moment was forever theirs and theirs alone.


End file.
